My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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