Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
