How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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