Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
