You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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