he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
