I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
