He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
