Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
