i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
