i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
