I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
