Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
