im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
