Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just sucked dick on a ferry
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
