I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
