He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
