my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
