You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
