I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
