if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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