ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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