I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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