I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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