My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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