a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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