On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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