Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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