Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
