He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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