we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
