omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
