Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
