I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
