So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
