yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
honey bunches of taint.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
