Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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