Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
