My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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