my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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