dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
