Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
