I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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