I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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