Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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