The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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