this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
