what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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