Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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