i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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